• Stamos & Freud

Damn You Property Brothers

I have a very not open-concept opinion of this HGTV duo juggernaut.

I love me some home improvement. Seeing a dilapidated house turn into a dream home is majestic. I’ve convinced myself that I’m storing a wealth of knowledge to apply as a new homeowner. Granted my short term memory feels like I've been zapped by Tommy Lee Jones and his silver neuralyzer... so I end up YouTubing it anyway.

Regardless of the show, there’s always a dramatic shtick with every iteration of home improvement. When you're not behind schedule, you’re over budget. Just when the floors get done, you find out the roof is leaking. When everything seems perfect, your plumbing explodes. The same is true of cooking shows, but I knowingly ignore, enable, and live for their drama.

However, Property Brothers follows two twin brothers renovating their way through the real estate world. Drew Scott does the paperwork and business side while Jonathan Scott oversees the renovation. While I’m sure there are aspects of the premise that are true, its laughably flawed.

Yes... #realitytelevision. I’m aware corners are cut, drama is injected, and the goal is to make a tv show. It's kind of like watching CNN. Trust me, artificial drama is how jabroni became a staple in my lexicon. If I wanted reality, I would watch a documentary. I want to hover above reality with my television consumption.

I just can’t seem to get past Jonathan rolling into a job site wearing skinny jeans and a slim fit button down from Kohls. His hair fluctuates from normal to looking like Justin Timberlake's frosted tipped armpit hair.

Again, I get it. Maybe I'm not the target demographic. Maybe I over analyze the premise. This misleading tale of renovation is what inspires ill-equipped flippers to jump into the fray. The same miscalculated confidence is after what leads me to day-trading my savings away after watching Michael Douglas snarl his way through Wall Street.

I’m doing my best to suspend reality in the name of a home improvement show. Perhaps, if they were upfront with me, I’d be less angry about it. Just tell me that he isn’t doing all of the work. It's far worse that he acts like he was there the whole time. Like a pansy group member that does nothing, but gets all the credit. Greg, in the background, is huffing and puffing his way to installing the laminate floors. He only gets a brief b-roll shoutout. Poor Greg.

Maybe I’m just bitter that these two brothers are highly successful for pretending to do manual labor.

Oh, and has anyone else noticed how frequently Johnathan disparages the husbands on the show? It's true, don’t ever fix anything, with a diy flair, before Johnathan shows up. If he finds it, he will take a steamy dump on your approach... in front of your wife. At least Jon Taffer has the courtesy to berate you the same from start to finish, often in front of your spouse.

Hundred Dollar Idea: A Property Brothers and Bar Rescue cross-over. Jonathan Scott and Jon Taffer can berate the hell out of the owner in front of their spouse. Drew can show up for the "brothers" schtick to continue.

If you’re looking for an open-concept to your renovation fix, this is the show for you. I’m more of a Fixer Upper myself. The same issues exist in the Gaines empire. What parent has every decorated their home with mostly shades of white?

I say all this as a credit-stealing-skinny-jean-wearing-diy-enthusiast-Kohls-shopping jabroni.

My name isn't Greg though.

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