• Stamos & Freud

Peloton: This Year's Bowflex.

The quarantine fifteen is legit. Sometimes I catch myself breathing heavy, sweating randomly, and frequently avoiding bending over. Yes, I'm fairly confident it's not a heart attack. Honestly, wearing dark colors is just easier than working out. The pandemic has prohibited any group activity that I would ordinarily use to disguise physical activity. Why bother?

This brings me to my meaningless hissy fit of the moment. I can’t stand the Peloton and its devoted followers.

Peloton people are part of a cycling elitist cult. They're similar to CrossFit people. By that I mean, they want you to know they have one, they use one, and it's improving their life. They also only ever refer to their workout by the product name. Woof.

I'm happy that you're happy with your Peloton. I know the competition of Peloton is what keeps you engaged. I get it. But as soon as it becomes another character in your life that I have to hear about interfering with our trip to Buffalo Wild Wings, I draw the line. I'm no longer happy that you're happy.

I want the data that tells me how quickly the Peloton becomes a towel rack. It's funny to think that it took a screen mounted on a bicycle to get people pedaling. I’m happy when people find something they enjoy and makes them feel better... heroin excluded. The self-praise and virtue signally affiliated with Peloton followers feel like an essential oils advocacy group unwilling to listen to reason.

Look at how pretentiously it sits in everyone's home. Every damn advertisement for this thing makes it look like the centerpiece in your perfectly organized home. It condescendingly sits and mocks us. This year, the Peloton doubles as workout equipment and a design statement. I want to spitefully eat Taco Bell just thinking about it. That'll show the Peloton.

The Peloton is going to fade just like the Shake Weight, Bow-flex, Ab Roller, Richard Simmons, and P90X. Let’s not pretend that we don’t know how this product lifecycle ends. It ends with an ad on Craigslist in three years' time.

A real photo of the Bowflex on Craigslist.

Not to mention, I’m sure someone is collecting data on our heart rates, blood pressure, and overall fitness to better market to us... or to learn our weaknesses. It's time to fight Skynet not make it easier for them. Come on Bezos, do something!

I get that community fitness and a healthier society is a dream worth having. I also get that Peloton is a company that gives it to you in the caboose, two fold. Once upfront for the machine and again by repeatedly charging their subscription. Also, the genesis of this product began with a bike and ended with a bike and a screen. Can we really call this innovation? How did we not think of this sooner? What other tasks would be made more engaging with a screen?

In the end, Peloton People can shove it. Their incessant need to self-promote and gloat about this product only backhandedly establishes all other exercise as inferior. The same way that car snobs refer to their car by the brand and/or model. Ugh, BMW owners.

I'm tired of hearing about how great you think your life is pedaling alongside the digital leaderboard with strangers. Been there done that. Long live Chat Roulette! Another internet icon destroyed by penises. Damn shame.

All of my ramblings and stream of consciousness aside, FOMO is legit. I'm human and a sucker for endorsements. I want in on the elitist cult... even if I have to wait for it to show up on Craigslist.

How could you not? Ryan Reynolds and the woman from the Peloton commercial troll the internet after the backlash she received... from working out. Nothing a contrarian, like me, enjoys more than butting heads with the masses. Even if it means ignoring 95% of my feelings in this post.

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