• Stamos & Freud

Reality Stars as Pandemic President

Updated: Dec 7, 2020

Sometimes I forget that our current Commander-In-Chief was a reality tv star. In honor of the recent election, I felt driven to create a list of other possible reality stars and how they’d handle the pandemic as President. Nominated, voted on, and decided by yours truly, the following list is a ranking of how, I believe, they would tackle COVID-19.

#6 Blippi

This colorful bastard would explain the hell out of the novel virus. Suspenders, large glasses, and enthusiasm that would explain this crisis to even the most stubborn of people. He’d make it easy and engaging. We’d be hands-on learning how to defeat this virus…. well maybe hands off.

#5 Chip and Joanna Gaines:

The wholesome couple from Waco would encourage you stay home, tend your children, and enjoy the fruits of life with your family. Their approach would be two words, open concept. Socially distanced rooms with large windows and plenty of ventilation. Farm chic would stylistically tackle the pandemic. Jojo, Chip and maybe even some help from Clint would keep us with sweet-nothings as we waited out the virus.

#4 Charles Barkley:

Listen, people who don’t wear masks are knuckleheads. Don’t be a knucklehead, wear a mask. Barkley would pull out the full-court press on this virus. He’d muscle his way into the post but would fail to bring it home. He’d probably have Shaq work as his press secretary.

#3 Oprah:

Yup. That’s it.

#2 Pat Sajak

This wheel spinning hedgehog scrotum looks like he’s held together by hot-glue, clothes pins, and Metamucil. His press briefings would be held each weeknight for 30 minutes. Consistent? Yes. Reliable? Sure. He’d deliver bad news like you’ve spun a bankruptcy… which is oddly the same way he delivers good news. His veteran status would gain him widespread praise despite wanting to tax the shit out of vowels. He will never be Alex Trebek.


Honorable Mention: Steve Harvey:

Sure the pandemic is real. Wash your hands and stay six feet apart. Unfortunately, this man’s history of misinformation may result in calling Covid-19, chickenpox.

Honorable Mention: Chris Harrison:

Yes, his briefings would be a regularly scheduled floral events. Perhaps they would be dramatic. Occasionally our COVID tests may end in either receiving a rose or not. Either way, don’t you feel better that you had this experience?

#1 John Taffer:

This SOB eats hyper-tension for breakfast. For lunch, he swallows a whole lot of heated pressure-cooking confrontation. He would look at the pandemic and yell, SHUT IT DOWN! SHUT IT DOWN RIGHT NOW! We would be quarantined until we could willingly confront our deep-rooted issues. Only then will we come out on top. Hopefully before our wife leaves us.

Enjoy this compilation of Taffer losing his shit. The closest a person can get to having a heart attack without actually having one.

Did we miss anyone? Leave your suggestion for another Pandemic President contender below.

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